The set up:
Last night it was very cold and very wet and very windy in our neck of the woods. I finally bought a fireplace screen and some logs, and so last night I checked to be sure the trap in the chimney was open and lit a log. After a few adjustments, and a resetting of the smoke alarms, all was glowing merrily.
Two of our three cats did not come in at final call. Unusual, since normally they lurk on one side of the door or the other. As we all know, it is a cat's main goal in life to pass through doors. I sometimes open the door to let the cats in, then open it again to let them run out. Then again a minute later...and sure enough, they rush right back in. but I digress.
The Punch Line
The morning started as usual. Up to get Lauryn breakfast, do dishes, get the boys headed toward breakfast. Jump in the shower and shave. Different for today; a little extra attention to cleaning details. At ten I would be standing up at the company meeting to announce that as of the end of the year I would be leaving the company to pursue other options. Six years of employment deserves a little spit and polish. Out in time to kiss the wife as she heads out the door to take the boys to school.
Her final words of the morning, "Lauryn is all set to go, she just needs her hair brushed and your out the door". I settle on the couch and turn on the TV. Lauryn and I watch Dragon Tales and Caliou. Hair and make her lunch. I have two hours before I need to stand and say goodbye at work. It's about thirty seconds from Lauryn's classroom to the meeting. If I leave at 9:30 I'll have
plenty
of
t i m e . . . . .
Someone is banging on the door. Barney is singing about how much he loves me. Lauryn is waving a sock in my face and her shirt is wet. The good cat that came in for the night is licking milk off the table as I stumble to the door while scrubbing my damp hair across into some form of not clown shaped.
There is a large truck in front of the house and to laborers are pushing wheel barrows into my rented back yard. While my brain is digesting that, the little old lady from next door is shouting in a thick Asian accent that I have cats! Lauryn is arguing with the cat about who can lick more milk off the table.
"Cat's"? I ask while trying to shake the sleep fog off. Somewhere in the back of my brain it is registering that Barney is now singing "It's 9:20 and you need to brush your daughters hair"
"YES...HOW MANY CATS YOU HAVE?"
"Ummmm, three"? I hope this is the right answer. The men with the wheel barrows are now taking heavy farm equipment into the back. one of them is waving an extension cord over his head. I think he wants something from me.
"IS DAT ONE OF THEM"? No..that's my daughter..she needs an extension cord....
"Yes." I am at least sure that Stubby is in fact one of my cats, and that the cat next to the two year old is Stubby, walking away from Lauryn while she tries to pet him with the sippy cup. He is giving me that "What the hell, man...Two kids weren't enough"? look.
"I TINK YOU OTHER CAT IS IN MY CHINEE"
"?"....."What"?
"I THINK YOU OTHER CAT IN MY CHIMNEE"
I glance up at her chimney expecting to see cat legs protruding from the top. There is a man on the roof with a flashlight. He is staring down the chimney and says that yes...the cat is down there. "He is meowing and just moved his head, I think he's okay, just stuck.
It's 9:30.
I yank my shoes on while trying to decide how to convey to Lauryn any of what's going on.
"Honey, ......uhmmmm.....Watch Barney for a few more minutes....Daddy needs to get something from next door."
I jump up the fence and onto the roof. The man with the extension cord has a ladder that he is just leaning onto the roof. He looks up at me and tries to remember what the ladder in his hand is for.
Leah is in fact at the bottom of the chimney, looking like a loaf of bread with a tail. "Leah....hey sweetie". She looks up at me and glares. Apparently in my sleep last night I hunted her down and carried her kicking and screaming up onto the neighbors roof in the pouring rain and forced her down the hole. This is MY fault.
I take the ladder back down to the lawn and extension cord man ask for a place to plug in. I now remember that our backyard is being scraped and cleaned today to get construction debris out of the ground. Lauryn is done with Barney. She is now on the lawn showing a great deal of interest in a pick axe. Her remaining sock is now soaked and muddy. I take her with me into the neighbors house, and she sits fascinated as I crawl into the little old ladies fireplace. Thank God the cat went down her chimney instead of mine. Little Old Lady does not use her fireplace. Regardless, there is soot everywhere. The Cat is still mad at me and is acting like a limp sack of potatoes as I contort my arm up past the chimney trap and down to where the cat is stuck. Ten minutes later, the Chimney is giving birth to a wet, sooty, angry, scared cat that smells like ...well exactly like you would expect a wetsootyangryscared cat to smell.
"KITTY"!!Lauryn squeals with delight.
Did I mention that Little Old Lady owns a Basset Hound / Weasel mix? Dog, Cat, Soot, 2 Year Old, and I all mix it up for a blinding second or two. Some how we end up on the lawn. Kitty and Doggy run down the street.
It's 9:35.
I rush Lauryn into the house and start hunting for a shoe...any shoe. Lauryn is telling me the shoe is in my bedroom. What does she know! The men in back are demanding that I move all of our camping gear. The landlord warned me I would need to do that. Lauryn is getting upset. The cat races by the front door, basset weasel in tow. Into the boys room, open the window overlooking the back yard. Move the shelf. Put Lauryn by the window. "Stay here and watch Daddy out the window".Out the back. Throw gear into the shed. More gear. Lauryn is crying down the hall. Call Lauryn. "Daddy's here, come to the window. Come to the window." Call work. "I'm-gonna-be-ten-minutes-late-my-cat-got-stuck-in-the-chimney-and.....I'll call you back".Last of the gear.Extension cord.Plug.CAT.DOG. Lauryn. make Lunch. At the door...
"Daddy...I poopie!"
For just a half a second...I almost did it. I almost caved into the desire to just let someone else deal with that . Thankfully, Now that I am on my third child, I have mastered the art that few men have. I can change a poopie diaper with the child standing, clean and freshly replaced in under a minute.
Out to the car. Back for my phone. Out to the Car. Back for my coffee. Out to the car. Out the driveway. Back in the driveway. Back inside for Lauryn's Lunch. As I head out the door for the final run, two thoughts cross my mind. There are muddy footprints running throughout all the carpet in my house, and I never did brush Lauryn's hair.
Ten minutes later I am standing, somewhat sooty and disheveled, with my muddy shoes outside the conference room door, saying goodbye to my coworkers.
Another regular day in the Life.