Feel free to add creative sugjestions and Ideas etc. this is a gig for a local Elks lodge shin-dig. Low budget. The lowest, so...they hired me.
Let me remind the public that I am available at 40 bucks an hour do do damn near anything but kill someone.
and so......
Our Story begins with two cast aways, having just crawled onto the shore of a deserted isle:
Dick: (crawling onto stage) Water….water…..must have fresh water…..
Jane: (walking in behind him with a cool blue drink in her hand) Why not just have drink from the bar (waves vaguely at the bar) to audience- They’re only 3 bucks a glass.
Dick: Are you kidding……that’s why I need the water!
Entering from stage left, the Grand Poo-Baa, replete in grass skirt and pooka shell necklace, approaches them.
GPB: Ah Ha Ka Na Ka NEE Kee Agahha. Oookalooka. (He is jovial and appears to be greeting them in some native dialect. As he continues he comes up between them and before putting a meaty arm around each of them, he stops mid sentence, takes a quick drink from Jane’s glass, thin with a nod of approval, continues to babble on)
Jane:, we don’t understand…we just got here, do you speak English?
Dick: of course he doesn’t speak English…. (To GPB) HELLO….WE ARE SHIPWRECKED….NEED WATER (with each word, he adds pantomimes to aid in translation.
Jane: oh that’s much better. Thank God you’re bilingual.
Dick: to Jane WELL…. AT…. LEAST….well at least I’m trying!
Jane: You don’t have to shout at him.
GPB: She’s right ya know.
Dick: SHE IS? OH!!! Um I mean she is? Wait, you speak English.
GPB: Of course! I learned it from our many other visitors here on the Isle of okallllammmmahhhhlalhalahalahalalalalala.
Dick: Wow that’s great, we’re saved! Say, can I get a drink of water?
GPB: Why not just have drink from the Bar?
Dick: For three bucks! That’s outrageous!!
GPB: (under his breath) Cheap Tourists.
Jane: Can we meet some of these other visitors?
GPB: Sure, but you have to call them up with the Ancient Native Signal of Greeting.
Jane: What’s that?
GPB: Demonstrates by clapping his hands, wiggling his hips and making some kind of wild cat call.
Jane repeats, but GPB says Dick has to do it too.
Note- This is a good optional way to get some initial Audience participation. The grand Poo-Baa can claim that they do not have enough island spirit and insist that the audience must help. We can also save that for a later time as before each song and dance bit the Ancient call must be made.
Frankie Avalon and Annette Funachello appear and sing something from Back to the Beach. They can be as close to accurate or as far from real as possible. If we have them as “Now Aged” we can work in a few lines to indicate who they are, which will be all the funnier.
Frankie” hey Annette, look, some cool cats from upstate and out of town!
Annette: Say Frankie, they look swell! Hey guys, wanna boogie on the boards with us?
Dick and Jane stare blankly.
Frankie: you know….hang ten, get loose,……
Annette: Catch a wave?
Dick and Jane: OOOHHHH, you want to surf?
Frankie and Annette: Yeah!! (They run off stage with or without boards, thinking Dick and Jane are right behind them.
Dick: (starts to follow then gets a little nervous) maybe I’ll have that drink after all.
Jane: Get your own ya cheap skate.
GPB: I f surfing is not your ….bag, We do have many other fine things to do here on malallamanannananananshanananananan island.
Jane: malallama……I thought you said it was “Okallllamasomething or other?
GPB: NOT IMPORTANT! Now, we must do the ancient greeting call again.
Dick….um…do we have to?
GPB: yes!
They all do the greeting together and this time a Man with big hair and more sparkles than God can Count comes out. It is Liberace! Only old and dotard. He prances on and Greets GPB Not noticing the cast-aways.
LB: OH, your greatness! My heavens! It’s been so long, how ARE you!
GPB: (polite but trying to fend of LB) I am fine my good friend, but we have guests.
LB (mishearing) Pests? Oh god I know! Those little sand shrimps just want to eat you all up don’t they! And who could blame them. Hehehe.
GPB: No…I mean THESE GUESTS (points to castaways)
LB: (Shocked and Dismayed) OH MY LORD! I am soooo sorry. Nice to meet you, he offers a hand to Jane, takes a sip of her drink, nods approvingly then cozies up to Dick. WEELLLL, what DO we have here? Something else for the Sand shrimps to munch on?
Dick: oh god, I DO need a drink!
LB Great, you go to the bar and mean while…I’ll go to THE BAAAR. (He heads to the organ and plays a song. (Could be a standard Liberace type song, or better still, a Hawaiian song sung Liberace style).
Liberace puts so much effort into the song that he promptly passes out on the organ.
Dick returns with his drink: for 3 bucks you’d think I’d at least get an umbrella.
The bartender hears him and promptly walks over with a lovely pink Parasol. Dick takes it gingerly.
Jane: looking at Liberace: should we wake him up?
GPB: Are you serious?
All: NO.
GPB: well…….shall we?
Dick: if we must.
They perform the greeting again.
Elvis comes in swankers over to the couple. Making eyes only at Jane with a curled lip and a pelvic thrust.
Elvis: Well, hello there pretty lady….
He takes Dicks drink without even looking at him. Has a swig and hands it back.
Elvis: Uh Thank ya very much. So…what brings a doll like you to a sandy ole stretch a ground like this darling.
Jane: We got lost when my friend Dick here fell asleep at the oars.
Dick: Friend?! I’m your fiancé! and you fell asleep first!
Jane” Still looking at Elvis; Whatever……
Elvis: Say there darling…ya remind me of a little lady I once met in kinda the same way…
He takes a Mic (dummy mike that does not work prop only and sings Hawaiian wedding song.
Dick drinks his blue booze and goes back for a huge glass getting steadily drunker as we go from here.
Jane gets angry
They do the greeting bit again
Mary martin appears with some advice
Mary Martin –south Pacific Gonna wash that man right outa my hair
Jane is in agreement and renounces Dick who goes to the GPB for consolement. GPB calls on the audience to help dick in the ancient greeting call for the only man who can help.
Don Ho arrives and comforts the totally blitzed Dick with a rousing rendition of Tiny Bubbles. During which Jane stops pouting and Dick sobers enough to know he screwed up. At the end of the song the are gazing longingly into each others eyes. All the cast comes up from parts of the stage and everyone joins in the final chorus.
After applause, dick and Jane have a brief make up dialogue, but still bemoan that they are stuck on this island.
GPB: You wanna leave?
Dick and Jane: well, no offense but yes.
GPB: well why didn’t you say so. You’ve had the power all along. Just click your heels together three times and say “there’s no place like home…there’s no place like home….
Jane and Dick: There’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.
Nothing happens.
GPB and all other islanders burst into laughter.
GPB: Oh god I love that trick. You look so funny.
Dick and Jane are in despair: Are we trapped here forever then?
GPB: Well yeah, but don’t worry, at least we have the bar. Come on everybody, drinks are on me….
As all exit, he looks at Jane and Dick: Say, you guys know any show tunes?
End
Hmmmm.
The references to money are not working for me. I think if you give anyone the notion of "Three bucks! That's outrageous!" they may internalize it (especially if they're as old as you say they are. As an exampleteve's folks think that a buck for each of the offerings from the ice-cream truck is outrageous, because they're comparing it to the thruppence of their childhood rather than the $4.95 of a present-day ice-cream parlor.). You do point up that Dick is cheap, but something about it sits badly with me. Even at the PEERS bar, people go "FIVE BUCKS!!!" before they realize that they'd pay seven-fitty for a Sapphire martini at a "real" bar.
Also, the "drinks are on me" closing line will make the bartenders' lives harder.
No, I have no constructive criticism--I SUCK at this kind of writing!
Posted by: Beth at May 18, 2004 11:28 AM